My suicide loss story

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If you’ve already read my About Me page, you probably already know a little bit about me. This post is to go into more detail about what inspired me to start writing as a Mental Health blogger.

July 31st of 2017, my entire world was shaken. It was a typical Monday morning at work. I was at my desk getting ready for the day when my phone started ringing. I saw my Mothers name on the Caller ID and my heart sank. It was was on the only times in my life where I’ve experience that drop where I just knew something was not right. I didn’t know that the words she was about to say would change my life forever.

My younger brother, Seth, had died by suicide. When I hung up with her, I instantly text him. Hoping there was a confusion and it wasn’t him, waiting for him to respond and say he was fine. The next hours and days are still a blur..

Our family was very fortunate to receive support from friends and family and so thankful for the community that came together around us to get us what we needed and help us through this time.

I never felt mad at my brother, he had many personal struggles starting from a young age and I understood that his heart was so broken. I just felt sad that I couldn’t fix it for him. I felt sad that I wouldn’t have him by my sides for the rest of my life.

My heart breaks thinking about the struggles he experienced at such a young age. It breaks even more knowing how cruel and heartless the people around him were. Despite how much his close family and friends loved him and showed him love- he still had some very negative experiences.

On my bad days, all I want is to see his toothy smile or hear his goofy laugh. To get one of those giant bear hugs that lifts me off my feet.

I can’t imagine that this pain will ever go away. I think about him every moment of everyday. I have found comfort in our memories, but 19 years was not enough time with him.

I feel that I have learned a lot about myself this past year. About my strength and my weaknesses. Losing my brother has made me stronger but it also brings me to knees because of how weak I feel. Such a strange sensation.

I have also learned a lot about the people around me this past month. Grief brings out a strange side of people. I have felt let down by some people who I expected to be there. On the other hand, some strangers have become my support system- and for them I feel so grateful.

This past year has been a journey for my self-care and taking control of my life. It has also opened my heart and mind to being more caring and compassionate to other people. You never know the battle that someone is facing- treat everyone with a little bit of love.

I have become an advocate for mental health and suicide prevention. I am a certified Suicide Loss Survivor Speaker and have also been trained in Suicide and Substance Misuse Prevention. I have a passion for raising awareness and ending the stigma surrounding these topics.

As a society, we need to be more open when talking about mental illnesses and treatment and resources for those suffering with them. We need to remove the judgement and stigma against it, so people are not afraid to reach out for help. How many people suffer in absolute silence because of the fear of judgement? How many people do we have to lose before we open our eyes to the reality of this..

I am currently enrolled in a Bachelors program for Sociology and I hope to continue my education and work in a career where I can advocate and help people. This blog is designed to share my personal stories and also a message of hope. I have overcome some major losses and learned many skills to ensure a happy life for myself. I practice self-care daily and encourage other people to incorporate this into their lives as well!

You are never alone and you are so worth it. Please visit my Resources page for some useful resources and reach out if you need help.
XO

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11 thoughts on “My suicide loss story

  1. unjunkiefied says:

    I love this. I am truly sorry for your loss, that’s not what I meant when I said I love this. My heart does flips when someone uses their struggle to become a hero (lol I have written my own post(s) about that very fact) You dealt with such a tragedy and pain. Yet, you used it to create something beautiful and to have a meaningful purpose in life. I congratulate you on that and look forward to reading more of your posts.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. RAHRAHRAH says:

    Madison,

    Was sorry to miss you when I was in New England this time. You have shown rare courage in dealing with this crisis. I wish you the very best & hope sometime in the future we can get to know each other better. Good luck with your schooling.

    Affectionately,

    Your Great Aunt Ruth aka RAHRAH >

    Like

  3. With love, Caroline says:

    I’m so sorry for your loss… Your story is heart-breaking and it must’ve been terrible for you to experience that. On another side, I truly admire how you dealt with that. Thank you for sharing awareness, thank you for doing all of this 🙂 sending you all my love 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Justyce says:

    Madi,

    Your strength and passion is admirable. I’ve known you for many, many years and Seth for not enough of them. You dedicating your life to better others is truly inspirational. You, your mother, and grandmother have such a very special place in my heart.

    Please know I think of you often, and I look forward to following you and your blog on this journey.
    x o x o

    Liked by 1 person

  5. susan decato says:

    I am very inspired by how you took a tragic event in our lives and turned it in a positive direction to help others who may feel helpless. You are truly inspirational.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. cmthunbe says:

    Hun, you have been through such heartbreak and I want to tell you how courageous you are for making a blog and becoming a voice for others who feel like all is lost. Keep blogging! Your site is beautiful and you have such a way with words. I wish you all the best and sending love your way xx I look forward to continue following you on this journey

    Liked by 1 person

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